Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
