You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
