if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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