hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
