my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
