she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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