I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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