I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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