Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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