You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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