I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
