closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
