I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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