see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"