Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said