community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store