Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You made out with two different species that night
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
