i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
