Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
