I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
