My first STD was from a foam party
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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