Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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