i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
