if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
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After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
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If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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