Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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