I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
