Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
