I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
