Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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