I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
