how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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