I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
