so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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