My Higher Power is John Stamos
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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