3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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