I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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