My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
