i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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