My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
