Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
