Don't make out with my wife yet
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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