she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
