i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
This is the high leading the old right now
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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