I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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