Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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