I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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