So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
