Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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