Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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