she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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