My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
