fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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