I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
