I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
