So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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