I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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