if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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