I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
