the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
